THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REPEATS'.
***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
do your best
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well ,
if something happens to me...
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
---------------------------------
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way...
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
<><><><><><><><><>
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
<><><><><><><><>
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
---------------------------------
Long ago,
when men cursed
and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lord, please...
keep Your arm around my shoulder,
and, Your hand over my mouth!
Two Chimps & a Blonde
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the
car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem
is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast
Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road
all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100
for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into
the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts.
Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold
Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the
street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big
crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these
chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now
we're going to SeaWorld
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at
the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl
to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields
of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to
the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out
of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof windshield, smashed it to smithereens,
blasted through the control console, it snapped the engineer's back-rest in
two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from
a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for
suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for
a long, long time.
So she went to the Wailing Wall to check it out and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f*#+in' wall."
Before the Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland in Florida.'
The PM said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Prime Minister's airplane.'
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Speedo 'SHARK' bathers.'
The PM said, 'I'll get them for you, and even have Ian Thorpe sign them!'
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'
The PM was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!'
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the
clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said,
'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just
give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked
me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said
'We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded
to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township
administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our
road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think
this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' From Kingman , KS .
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person
behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only
had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I
replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly
and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I
knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when
the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company
due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should
do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each
other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for
the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department
and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I
watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered
that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!' His
reply, 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in
Canton , MS .
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL I still had the Hawaiian plates
on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't
remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?"
I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco
Bridge". He nodded his head and said "Cool!"
STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they VOTE and they REPRODUCE...........
Brilliant !
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild.
He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
ACTUAL LETTER:
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows.
ACTUAL LETTER
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the
present application.
I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased,by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.
The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella,being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
NOW, MAY WE HAVE OUR DAMN LOAN?"
He got the loan.
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how
do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking
__________________________________________________
Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (
Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia
is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... Oh forget
it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll
send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
_________________________________________________
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.. Oh
forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
_________________________________________________
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany
)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake
serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian
snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
_________________________________________________
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them
off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
_________________________________________________
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell
me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
_________________________________________________
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
> "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
>
> "Then they kick him in the "ice hole"."
>
> You really didn’t believe that I knew anything about penguins, did
you!
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten
your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT
YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my
sexy bum?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
The guard's answered, "Tradition has it that captives are to be
killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the
day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready
to be served for the evening meal."
"Great," the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited
about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
The $2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs,
bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake..
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!!
Even non-seniors will appreciate it!!!!!
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father
says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like
hell
they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're
coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
1. You leave clubs before the end to 'beat the rush'. (worst still you don't go to the clubs)
2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing the night before.
3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer / basketball player and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
5. All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.
6. Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.
7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be alright for the DIY or in the garden.
8. You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.
9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of most of the things that are in it.
10. You start to worry about your parents' health.
11. You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
12. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace And Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your children.
13. Pop music all starts to sound the same.
14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really nice half-bottle of house red.
15. You always have enough milk in.
16. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
17. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in. Grand Designs also appeals.
18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
20. You wish you had a shed.
21. You have a shed.
22. You actually find yourself saying 'They don't make 'em like that anymore' and 'I remember when there were only 4 TV channels' and 'Not in my day....'
23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine has some really interesting guests on.
24. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at rowdy school children.
25. When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.
26. You find yourself saying 'is it cold in here or is it just me
27. You understand the above and forward it to your fellow aging friends (but just if you want to – no pressure!!!)
BOYS WILL BE BOYS!
Tom, in deep thought, is very quiet.
Harry asks, " What is wrong with you, Tom? "
" Please don't ask. "
" I'm your best friend. You can talk to me. "
" My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant. "
" That's not possible. "
" No, he did. "
" How? "
" He punctured my condoms! "
What's up with that printer ?
click on link below...................................................
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvBiSW5QFKY
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get
another dog?'
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Retired People
Yesterday I was at my local Lidl buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had,
an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told
her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added
that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Lidl won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you
ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things
to say..
A fantastic poem if you love your M.P.
I want a floating duck house
I want to clear my moat
I need to mend my tennis court
That’s why I need your vote.
I have to build a portico
My swimming pool needs mending
My lovely plants need horse manure
And the Aga needs much tending
A chandelier is vital
Mock Tudor boards are great
My hanging baskets won awards
And I’ve earned a tax rebate.
I need a glitter toilet seat.
My piano so needs tuning
Maltesers help me stay awake
And my orchard must need pruning
I could have said the rules were wrong
And often thought I should,
But somehow it was easier
To profit all I could
The public really have to see
That the rules are there to test
And by defrauding taxpayers
We were just doing our best
The Speaker of the House has gone,
Our sacrificial beast,
But the public are still braying
For our corpses at the feast
What do the public want from us,
Those vote-wielding ingrates?
They really should be grateful
To be financing our estates.
The message is so very clear,
(we’re merely learning late)
That the British way of living well
Is to screw the bloody state.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that
afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late..
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked
John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair..
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to
my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked
him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.'
'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his
own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
Voting!
While tending an old Devon farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation, which
eventually got round to the topic of the Prime Minister, Mr Brown.
"Well, you know" drawled the farmer," this Brown fellow is what
we call a fencepost tortoise"
The doctor asked him to clarify the term.
The old farmer said," When you walk along a country road and see a fencepost
with a tortoise balanced on top, that's called a fencepost tortoise."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he explained:
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong
there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there and you have to wonder
what kind of idiots put him there in the first place."
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied,
"Who's he going to tell?"
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe
he had a cold or something.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However,
since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know
where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day,
Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very
excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out
loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee
shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was
so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. The damn judge gave me
30 days for perjury!"
On a beautiful summer's day, two English blondes were
driving through Wales ..
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the blondes asked the waitress,
'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'
The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr … gurrr … king'!
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!".
Stevie is really cheesed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage - " OK smart a*s, you get up here and do it"..
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............
"a jazz chord to say , I ruv you..."
This is a quiz for people who know everything !!! I found
out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick
questions. They are straight questions with straight
answers.
1.
Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest
ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving
backward ???
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their
own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must
be replanted every year.. What are the only two
perennial vegetables ???
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside ???
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a
real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and
the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way.
How did the pear get inside the bottle ???
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the
letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two
of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can
you name at least half of them ???
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold
frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form
except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet
beginning with the letter 'S'.
Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest
ends. Boxing< /B
2. North American landmark constantly moving backwards.
Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half
feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water
that rush over it every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their
own for=2 0several growing seasons ... Asparagus and
Rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside ... Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle ??? It
grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear
buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the
tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing
season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the
stems.)
6. Three English words beginning with dw. dwarf, dwell and
dwindle.
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . .
Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe,
question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets,
parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen,
canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh.
Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning
with 'S'. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers,
skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
PLEASE DO YOUR PART...Today is National Mental Health Day.
You can do your part by remembering to send an e-mail to at
least one unstable person.
Well, my job here is done !!!
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM,
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears..'
'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.